Had To Be You Read online

  “Here you go. Unfortunately, I think I’m only in possession of some manly bath products—because that’s the kind of manly guy I am—but take what you need. There is a little trick to the faucet here, though.”

  He opened the shower door to turn the knob, maneuvering it until a warm, jetting spray filled the tiled stall. Rory glanced in as the steam started to rise, and then glanced at him.

  “Thanks,” she said, holding his gaze. She grasped the hem of her tank top, easing it up and over her head, and then turned away slightly, lifting her long hair up off her neck. “Can you help me with this?”

  Matt reached for the tie of her bikini string. He easily undid it, and then grazed his fingertips down her back in a circular caress, tracing a path over the curve of her shoulder.

  Rory tilted her head to glance back, meeting his eyes again.

  Without hesitation, he captured her lips in a soft kiss, still caressing her back, deepening it with that slow burn of passion as his other hand came to rest on her bare stomach.

  Breaking away with a soft sigh, she let her top fall to the floor before she slowly shimmied out of her short skirt, taking her bottoms along with it. Arching her long back, she allowed him a full but fleeting glimpse before stepping away into the shower.

  His eyes traveled over her naked body with a slow, hungry desire, and then he was tugging his shirt over his head to toss it aside. Rory had spent a better part of the afternoon admiring the view from the deck of his boat, but her eyes drank him in all over again.

  She loved the way his smooth muscles moved under his skin, from the bulge of biceps to the broad planes of sculpted shoulders, the two curves of his tight butt cheeks, the long triangular slope of his lean back. He was never the type to bulk up in gym, but rather it was a reflection of his natural athleticism.

  He almost had an Olympic swimmer’s body, even if baseball had been his game all those years. Or, maybe a runner with his long lines and lean angles. Perhaps even a rower with his strong arms.

  Her heart raced to imagine him in bed, feeling those muscles moving under her hands as he moved over her. What he really excelled at were the indoor sports.

  She finally turned away, bowing her head under the spray, when he eased his shorts over his stiffening erection to let them drop to the floor. He moved to join her in the stall, sliding the door shut behind them.

  His hands drifted down the long slope of her wet back, lingering on her curves, their damp skin glistening in the soft glow. When she reached for a shampoo bottle, his husky voice broke the quiet.

  “Want me to do it?”

  With her back still slightly to him, her eyes followed his movements as he squirted some of the shampoo onto his palm. Reaching past her to place the bottle back on the shelf, he met her eyes, smiling, and then lifted his hands to bury his fingers in her wet, tangled tresses.

  He caressed her scalp to work up lather before his hands drifted down to gently massage the back of her neck, gently kneading the tight muscles. Gradually, his soapy fingertips slid down the length of her spine, sending chills right back up it even in all the heat and steam.

  Bowing his head, he leaned down to kiss her shoulder. “All set.”

  Shaken out of her trance, Rory stepped forward into the jets. Tilting her head back, her long, wet hair fell all the way down her back, rivulets of warm water streaking through the soapy tresses to rinse it away.

  Guiding her around towards him, Matt took her upturned face into his hands, bringing her mouth to his in a sweet, languid kiss. His hands slowly smoothed down her back as the rosy tips of her bare breasts crushed against the wall of his chest. The hot, pulsating water cascaded over them, streams running down the smooth valley of her tanned stomach.

  Tenderly caressing her curves, tracing them with the palms of his hands, he touched her gently and reverently, so warm and wet and real. Any timidity she might typically feel dissolved completely away into the shower mist, and Rory lifted her hands to run them over his broad chest, her fingernail grazing one flat brown nipple, following the droplets of water to the wiry, thin trail of dark hair leading down. She felt the deep ripple of muscle in his lower abdomen clench and relax under her touch.

  He was so hard, velvet to the touch as her fingers slid around the thick width in a long, slow stroke.

  Leaning down to capture her mouth in another hungry kiss, his tongue gently probed her mouth, seeking out all those places which were so familiar, yet still so exciting, sliding against her tongue in a delicious thrill of sensation. He groaned softly as her hand moved over him, but there was no urgency in his reciprocation as he continued to stroke her satiny-sleek skin, as if to commit every inch of her to memory.

  After a while, he pulled back with one last tender tug on her bottom lip, and met her eyes with a slow smile.

  “Come on. Let’s go to bed.”

  He turned off the shower, first drying her off with one of the plush towels, and then himself.

  Only a small light was on above the kitchen stove, the rest of the apartment washed in darkness as he led her, naked, up the loft steps to his bed. Lips locked, they sank down together into the cool tangle of cotton sheets.

  He entered her in one deep thrust, sliding out slowly to plunge deeper still. She came almost immediately, fingernails sinking sharply into the taut muscles of his back as she gasped and cried out his name.

  Several hours later, she woke from a deep, dreamless sleep, stirred by a sunlight-drenched breeze drifting in the open windows. Rory sat up, holding the bed sheet to her bare breasts, a bit disoriented to time and place.

  It was morning, and she was in Matt’s bed. When the momentary haze of confusion cleared, it was almost like she’d never left.

  She caught a glimpse of herself in the small mirror above his dresser. Her damp, tousled hair had dried into long waves down her back overnight. The echoes of all those warm tingles still lingered and her body ached so pleasurably, still feeling him between her legs.

  The front door to the apartment opened downstairs, and Matt walked in. He carried two coffees and a pink bag from the muffin shop downtown, his cell phone cradled between his shoulder and ear as he talked in low tones.

  Rory glanced around until she found one of his cotton t-shirts and slipped it on. It fell to drape the tops of her thighs as she padded down the steps from the loft.

  He was just finishing the call when he saw her. “Hey, you’re awake,” he said, placing his phone on the kitchen counter. “I figured you might need one of these.”

  Rory took the cup of coffee he offered, feeling almost shy, despite everything they did last night. “Thanks.”

  “Nice shirt, by the way.”

  Her cheeks warmed as she took a seat at the kitchen island counter, but she just smiled.

  His clear blue gaze drifted over her with a somewhat thoughtful grin. “So, how are you feeling?”

  “Okay.” She quickly tried to deflect his attention. “Have you talked to Kevin this morning? Is he okay?”

  “That was just him.” Matt nodded his head towards his phone. “It seems like everything is all right. He’s definitely still looking forward to tonight, so things can’t be all that bad with my dad—although I may still be in the shit with him.”

  Rory had briefly forgotten about his opening night party at the bar. His eyes continued to linger on her, his voice changing yet again.

  “And how about things with us? Are we okay?”

  She hesitated, lifting her shoulder. “I—I think so,” she said quietly. “Don’t you?”

  A smile played around his lips as he moved closer to lean against the counter next to her. “I guess. Of course, there are several other adjectives I might use—incredible, amazing, awe-inspiring, breathtaking, mind-blowing—but that’ll do for now.”

  Rory ducked her head with an amused roll of her eyes, but his next words stopped her smile.

  “I miss you, Rory. I can’t help it if you don’t want to hear it, but I do.”

 
She slowly lifted her eyes back to his.

  “Matt, you say that like—I mean, don’t you think I miss you, too?”

  He edged closer still. “I guess, sometimes, I don’t get why we’re apart. I mean, geography is one thing, but when you’re here? I don’t know.” His smile softened somewhat sadly. “Home feels more like home, I guess.”

  Rory was so touched by his words that, for a moment, she accidentally let her guard slip. Unexpected emotions and long-hidden feelings tumbled through her open heart, spilling out on her whispery admission.

  “You know that’s how you feel to me, Matt…like home.”

  He gently reached for her, one hand encircling her waist to bring her body flush to his as he eased in between her legs and bowed his head for a kiss.

  Her lips parted on a sigh, his hand cupping her face as he explored the warmth of her mouth with a tantalizing slow sweep of his tongue. He pulled back for just a moment, brushing his lips over hers in a light touch before diving in again, softly devouring. Her hands slid up over his shoulders, around his neck to bury her fingers in his short hair, legs instinctively wrapping around him.

  They broke the kiss but made no attempts to move apart, her hands only sliding down over the solid wall of his chest as he whispered gentle kisses over her forehead and cheeks, his passion for her always softened by tenderness.

  “Rory…” he said softly. “I’m not telling you this now because I think it will change anything in our lives, or somehow magically bring it all back. There are no expectations here, just to be clear. Whether we end up together or not, it’s something I just want you to know. You know everything else about me; you might as well know this. The bar opening tonight, all the work I’ve put into making that happen, it’s like none of it is real until you’re here, and part of it. In a way—it’s all for you. I still want to be with you…always. I still love you.”

  She briefly stilled, unprepared to hear such things and even less prepared for a response.

  His lips grazed her cheek, his large hands caressing a slow path up her bare thighs to disappear under the hem of the shirt.

  “Tell me what you want,” he whispered in her ear.

  As his mouth found hers again, Rory said the only thing she could.

  “This.”

  FOURTEEN

  “Rory?”

  She quickly glanced back to the table, cheeks suddenly flushed. Jill was just settling back into her seat.

  “Wow.” She lifted her eyebrows with a small laugh. “Where did you just go?”

  Rory only pursed her lips and shook her head, trying to suppress the sudden flash flood of tears.

  “Hey…” Jill’s expression instantly switched over to concern, leaning forward as best she could manage to reach for her hand. “Are you okay?”

  “No. I’m not.” She shook her head more vigorously. “I’m not okay.”

  “What is it?”

  She sniffed, dabbing at her eye. “I was sleeping with Matt, when we were all here together last summer for the bar opening. I know I didn’t say anything at the time, but I stayed at his place that weekend.”

  “Okay,” Jill replied slowly, with some deliberation, “and for the purposes of this story, are we supposed to pretend that’s never happened before?”

  “He told me he wanted us to be together. That he still loved me.”

  “Again…are we supposed to pretend that’s never happened before?”

  Rory tried to gather some composure, mortified to realize she was having this very private meltdown in such a public place.

  Jill gave her a moment before asking, “And what did you say to him?”

  ***

  “Rory?”

  Hands lightly gripping the deck railing, she glanced back. “Oh, Matt…hey.”

  He smiled, eyes softening with gentle affection as he moved closer to drift a tender caress down her arm. “I didn’t know where you went.” He then tilted his head with a more joking tone, whispering a kiss into her hair. “Though I did consider the possibility that you were just overcome with emotion after all my profound words in there.”

  In the harbor breeze, her eyes watered with a bitter sting. Pressing her lips together in the weak impression of a smile, she felt seasick with doubt and anxiety.

  It had been a lovely, funny speech, of course. Relaxed and happy, in front of friends and family, he related a few humorous anecdotes taken from his journey from bartender to bar-owner, while thanking everyone for their support. Then, meeting her eyes through the crowd, he led them all in a toast to new beginnings, looking forward to a bright and happy future.

  While everyone else clapped and cheered, Rory sank back into this sickening feeling of dread, undercut by a rising sense of panic. Matt may have been addressing a huge crowd, but he was talking to her. She felt claustrophobic, short of breath, and immediately sought out some fresh air.

  “So, listen…” His voice lowered more intimately. “How about you give me fifteen minutes to kick everyone out, and I’ll meet you back at my place?”

  Rory made a huge error: She let her guard down, and briefly gave in to all those hidden yearnings inside her heart without fully considering the consequences. She loved him so much, but he wanted so much. Could she give him everything? If she did, everything would change, and she wasn’t sure she was ready for that.

  If she didn’t keep certain things safe, protected and unsaid, if it ever ended, all would be lost. This would be it. If it didn’t work out, they could never go back. Choosing him, and his love—felt like too great a risk. It opened up the very real potential for losing him.

  Rory shouldn’t have come home. She had to get out of here.

  “Well, I would, but…” Her voice faltered, stumbling over her own lies. “I got a call from work. I have to be on the very first flight out of Logan tomorrow. Which means I’ll need to be up, packed and ready to go by, like, five in the morning.”

  Bowing her head slightly, she waited for something. Anything. Anger, bitterness, scorn or sarcasm, doubt or derision. She waited for him to call her out on her bullshit, and for being such a coward. But he didn’t say a word.

  Tentatively, she lifted her eyes back to his face. The pieces of her broken heart crumbled inside her chest as Matt took an infinitesimal but devastating step back, opening up a vast ache of emptiness inside that small separation. “Um, so…” Pausing with a vague, confused frown, there was a slight tremble in his voice before he cleared his throat. “Okay, then. If that’s what you need to do.”

  It wasn’t what Rory needed to do. It wasn’t what she wanted to do. In fact, she had a pretty good feeling that he might be all she ever wanted or needed. But the words she longed to say were stuck, restrained by the tight ache in her chest. She stood here in front of the boy she had known all her life, the boy she loved all her life, and all she recognized was fear.

  “I should, ah…I should get back in there,” he said finally, though it was more just the hollow echo of his usual voice.

  When Matt finally met her eyes, there in the wistful, fleeting glimpse of his wrecked smile was everything they once were to each other.

  “I’ll see ya,” he said, leaving her with all they might never be.

  Leaving Rory trapped alone with her scared and stupid heart.

  ***

  They both were quiet a moment, Rory struggling to finish and Jill just beginning to understand.

  “When you met Amanda after Labor Day, and you came back to New York to tell me that Matt was dating someone new?”

  Jill nodded. “Yes.”

  “I almost felt like that was somehow buying me some time. Like I didn’t have to feel so guilty, and could somehow put him on some kind of emotional hold until I was ready. Because, of course, this would just end like every other relationship or little fling would end, before it ever got anywhere near serious.” Rory turned to stare out at the harbor. “Then I met Jonathan, and I let myself get distracted by other things. I let myself believe Matt was alway
s going to be there, when I was ready. It was—it’s like he happened to me too soon, you know? Like he was supposed to be who I ended up with, not who I started with, and life somehow got the order wrong and that threw everything off, and I’ve never been able to set it right since, to get to that place.”

  “Can I ask?” Jill tilted her head on a faint frown. “Have you ever told Matt any of this?”

  Rory shook her head. “I couldn’t. Not after the way I left. And then I was so afraid to come home for the holidays and face him, when we both knew that, once again, I’d bailed. That he was simply being honest with me, and true to form, I got scared off. When Jonathan offered me that Park City trip as a sort of Christmas present, I chose the cowardly option to run and hide out a while longer, to give it more time to blow over. But when I got back, after New Year’s? I heard Matt got engaged.” She lowered her eyes to the table. “Part of me refused to believe it. Lindsay called and I assumed she got the story wrong. But I was afraid to call you or Kevin or anyone else to confirm it. Then Matt called.” She paused, pressing her lips together. “I didn’t call him back. I couldn’t. And I only continued to avoid his calls, thinking if I didn’t hear him say it, then it wasn’t true. Like I could make it not be true.”

  “I’m sure it wasn’t easy for him to make the calls, Rory.”

  “I know.” She glanced down, discreetly wiping her eyes again. “I realize that. I was just in total denial that he’d actually go through with it. I treated it like he was testing me, waiting for me to call his bluff like when we were kids—never once letting myself realize that Matt would never, ever do such a thing. And I existed happily in that state of denial, until the invitation arrived in the mail. Then I couldn’t pretend anymore.”

  She lifted her gaze back to Jill, almost pleading with her.

  “His future was supposed to be with me. Don’t you see? It was always supposed to be us. Our timing might have been off, but it was there, in our hearts. It’s what we both always wanted, and I messed that up just because I wasn’t ready yet. That’s why I have to be the one to fix it. You have to help me!”